The Life of Me

6th September 2011

Post

My life…

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a film; he accepts

that they have a good and promising time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner and again they

enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other and after a while neither of them is seeing anybody

else.

And then, one evening when they are driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and, without really

thinking it through, she says aloud “Do you realise that, as of tonight, we have been seeing each other

for exactly 6 months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems a very long and very loud silence. She thinks to

herself “Crikey, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our

relationship; maybe he’s thinking that I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t

want or isn’t sure about.”

And Roger is thinking “Gosh. Six months.”

And Elaine is thinking “But, hey. I’m not so sure that I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I

wish I had a little more space, so that I would have time to think about whether I really want us to keep

going the way we are, moving steadily toward ….I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep

seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards children?

Towards a life-time together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this man?”

And Roger is thinking “…so that means it was. …let’s see….February when we started…. That was right

after I took the car in for a service and MOT, which means…let me check the milometer…Whoa! I’m way

overdue for an oil-change here.”

And Elaine is thinking “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong.

Maybe he wants more from this relationship, more intimacy and not less, more commitment from me;

maybe he has sensed it —- even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s

it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”

And Roger is thinking “And I’m going to have to get them to check the transmission again. I don’t care

what those morons say; it’s still not shifting right. And they’d better not try to blame it on the cold

weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees outside and this thing is shifting like a garbage

truck and I paid those incompetent thieves £400 for nothing”

And Elaine is thinking “Yes he is. He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty

dragging him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. It’s just that now I’m no longer sure.”

And Roger is thinking “They’ll probably say that it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re

going to say, the scum balls.”

And Elaine is thinking “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white

horse, when I’m sitting next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly care

about, a person who truly seems to care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred,

schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”

And Roger is thinking “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them an effing warranty. I’ll take their

warranty and stick it right up their …..”

“Roger”, Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this”, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should

never have …. Oh God, I feel so ….” (She breaks down, sobbing)

“What?”, says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know that there’s no knight, I really know that. It’s so silly. There

never is such a thing as a knight and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” asks Roger.

“You think I’m a fool don’t you?” blubs Elaine.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know a correct answer when he’s presented with one.

“It’s just that …. Just that … well, you know, we all need some time and so do I. I’m so sorry” says Elaine.

(There is a fifteen second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe

response. Finally he figures something that MAY work.)

“Yes” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand and kisses him on the cheek, relieved that the anguish is all over

and there will be no melodrama.). “Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?”

“What way?” asks Roger, not sure again of where is this is all going.

“That way about time?”

“Oh!”, says Roger, “Absolutely! Oh yes, definitely.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become nervous about what she

may say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you Roger” Elaine breathes.

“Thank you?” echoes Roger, with a tiny frown beginning to crease his forehead.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Whereas, when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately

becomes involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny

voice in the recesses of his brain tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but

he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what and so he figures it better if he doesn’t

think about it (this is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger).

The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this

situation for 6 straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he

said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of

meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss the subject, off and on, for

weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day, with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause

before serving, frown and say “Neil, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

31st August 2011

Post reblogged from The Marvelous Misadventures of Me with 2 notes

friend asks what tumblr is. me: the best thing since canned bread.

Tagged: loli'm fucking hilarious.

Source: amusicaldreamer